Handewi Soegiharto writes on women, independence and polygamy but it isn’t clear what her point is. She seems to be writing a piece that aims to poke holes in polygamy but the bulk of her examples are actually positive in respect to the experience of the women in polygamous relationships – the only real negative example is of a woman whose marriage failed not because it was polygamous but because it was secret and forbidden so the stressors were not because of the polygamy but because of the secrecy and that she was not accepted by the first wife. Soegiharto criticises career women who chose polygamy stating that if they use their independance to choose being in a modern polygamous marriage they are not really modern but traditional. I think she needs to rethink her implied proposition that independant modern women are free to make their own choices as long as they don’t choose polygamy. In any case, the article is an interesting read . . .

An afternoon conversation over coffee with a successful single lawyer I know — let’s call her Sari — ended up in an argument. Sari, a single woman in her 30s, said she might not mind becoming a second wife, as long as she had approval from the first wife in accordance with her religion. She would love to have children, but she also wants to go far in her career. She thinks the pressures of playing the role of both career-woman and housewife will hamper her future career. Though she was not raised in a polygamous family, some members of her extended family have polygamous relationships, so she’s used to the idea. However, in the end, she says she’d personally prefer to have a monogamous marriage if possible. A friend once told me that her friend — call her Ita — a business woman and a divorcee, is now a second wife. She asked for a divorce because she didn’t like being forced to have sex with her first husband when she didn’t feel like it. She accepts her polygamous marriage because she does not have to serve her husband every day. Polygamy is controversial, especially in a modern society whose values are deeply influenced by a certain religion that allows multiple marriages. One might think that only women needing money and protection feel polygamy is their best choice. But apparently some upper middle class women have other reasons besides material ones that cause them to choose a polygamous way of life. The independence of highly educated women like Ita and Sari does indeed allow women to have almost any opportunities they like. But what is the real meaning of independence? Dr. Gadis Arivia, a lecturer in philosophy at the University of Indonesia, said an independent woman should be able to make responsible choices. "It is indeed correct that women have a right to use ‘their bodies for any purpose’, but they have to make their choices responsibly," Gadis said. She went on to say that being responsible means that the choice should not violate the rights of someone else, and should not hurt others. "I would think an independent woman is a woman who is aware of not violating the rights of other people. If she thinks she can do anything, including polygamy, I think she is not independent but rather traditional." Gadis also explained that based on her research, whether or not a woman is free to think does not depend on her educational background. For example, a less educated woman might possibly be more free in her thinking than a woman who has earned her master’s degree. "It relates to how their thought has developed," she added. "If her thought was surrounded by the patriarchal system or patriarchal myth, which often happens to middle-upper class women, the system and the myth will remain. That’s because upper middle class society tends to uphold the image and values of the family." Gadis regrets that many state regulations are not gender-sensitive. She emphasized two points that are crucial: first, the system should respect women as independent human beings, but second, it should be supported by policies that are gender-sensitive. Upper middle class women also choose polygamy out of rationality. Ida Ruwaida Noor, a sociologist from the University of Indonesia, regards polygamy within upper middle class society as an interesting object of study. "Polygamy within lower class women might involve financial need. Our research shows that the concept of fairness for middle-upper class women has more to do with emotions than money. For them it is not a problem at all if they can only see their husband once a week." Ida finds it interesting to ask women from this class about the meaning of marriage. "When a woman would like to have children and she gets involved with a man who happens to be already married, someone who could make her comfortable, she might choose to go that route. It is her rational choice. But, when we talk about being rational, it involves costs and benefits." Ida says that from the rational point of view, a marriage is regarded as a means, not an end, especially if it is a contract marriage that does not need any formal legitimacy. It’s interesting to observe the experiences of women who are involved in polygamy. The women who speak publicly on polygamy tend to fall into two camps. The first is represented by Raden Ayu Sitoresmi Prabuningrat, a well-known artist who now runs a publicity business in Yogyakarta. In an interview, Sitoresmi, who supports polygamy, claimed that she has good relationship with her husband’s other wives. Sitoresmi said she and the other wives are like sisters. She looked happy when she described their relationship, and indeed, she appeared happy with the polygamous way of life she chose many years ago. She also explained that her husband observes the kind of polygamy practiced by the Prophet (Muhammad), who married older women, and not that practiced by the Javanese kings of the past who had many wives. Sitoresmi comes from Javanese noble society. The other camp is represented by Upi Tuti Sundari Usman, a businesswoman from Padang. Uni Upi, her nickname, is the ex-second wife of an Indonesian Military General. She describes how painful her life was when she married to him. Her secret marriage made her suffer. She knew the consequences of marrying military personnel; Government Law number 10 forbade government officials to have more than one wife (this law is no longer in effect). Still she felt offended, sad and hurt when her husband was always accompanied by his first wife at official government receptions. I also interviewed Nia Dinata, the director of the blockbuster film Berbagi Suami or Sharing a Husband. Her film title immediately made me curious about why she wanted to bring this issue up in public. "I found that people have only recently begun debating polygamy," the director said. "I think it has only been widely discussed since two years ago, when many public figures whose names do not have to be mentioned bravely spoke out about their polygamous lives. So I thought it would be interesting to bring up this issue in a feature film." The movie depicts how polygamy is chosen not only by women having economic problems, but also by those in the highest levels of society. If emotional reasons trigger upper middle class women to be involved in polygamous marriages, do those emotions include love? Psychologist Zainoel B. Biran confirms that from the psychological point of view, love does not have a definitive meaning. "Generally, human beings have different interpretations of love. Some think that it is about caring and sacrificing while others think that its just a matter of give and take," said Biran in his office in Jakarta. "Whether or not the wives feel that their husbands give them the same quality of love depends on the wives’ interpretation. In general, every person tends to have different definit
ion of the same word." Biran therefore says that the psychological impact on a polygamous family varies, and that it depends on how each individual in the family thinks about the situation. Since there are many arguments out there from many points of view, including Islamic norms, polygamous practice will likely remain a matter of debate in Indonesian society for years to come. Society may face a dilemma if it tries to analyze the various opinions on polygamy, and it will likely remain a big question whether or not polygamy can be an ideal form of marriage.

Much of what Soegiharto inadvertantly cites here as positive aspects of polygamy are issues that the polyamory folks in the West are also facing, but from completely different social and philosophical mindsets.