You know the world is changing when a university like Wesleyan has a student-led lecture on BD/SM/DS . . . The Wesleyan Argus – Seminar sheds light on BDSM. Aliza Simons does a credible job describing Lola Pellegrino’s lecture and experience. I went to a Wesleyan university (Kansas) for my undergraduate degree and remember it as a very open minded and caring place but I wouldn’t have expected a BDSM lecture by a student any time soon . . . of course, I was in the system many years ago and can imagine the trends in open discourse eventually leading to a positive experience such as the one described in the piece.

Lola Pellegrino ’08 is not the poster girl of BDSM. But she did facilitate a discussion on Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism (BDSM) at WesWell’s Sexual Health Expo on Saturday. Led by Pellegrino, the BDSM Q&A consisted of an hour of open dialogue among a dozen Wesleyan students with varied experiences. Students also had the opportunity to take BDSM books and zines. Pellegrino maintains that she is "not an authority" on BDSM, though she worked as a secretary for a group of dominatrices last summer. During the discussion, Pellegrino emphasized concepts taught to her by the dominatrices she worked with, such as the importance of consent of all partners during any kind of BDSM. "I used to just smack guys I was making out with," Pellegrino said. "[Without] asking first." When Pellegrino told this to the dominatrices she worked with, they were appalled that she would smack her partners without their consent. "They were all like, you can’t smack, you have to ask first!" Pellegrino said. Pellegrino supported following informed consent and safety outlined by the SSC, Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Legal consent can also prove to be an issue during BDSM. One dominatrix Pellegrino talked to began using insurance forms with her clients after an incident involving a cattle prod. According to Pellegrino, the dominatrix was with a client who enjoyed cattle prods and brought one to use. However, when the dominatrix used the prod on him, the client lost consciousness and she thought he was dead. Though the client regained consciousness, the dominatrix now insists that her clients sign insurance wavers. In addition to advocating consent, Pellegrino advised only practicing BDSM with a person you both trust and can communicate with. "Don’t do BDSM with someone you don’t feel comfortable crying in front of," she said. Pellegrino also recommended using caution, especially when engaging in strangulation. According to Pellegrino, to ensure safety, you should never strangle a partner with anything around the whole neck. Holding only one side of the neck when choking is better. The seminar was among the most anticipated at the Expo, and while it may have garnered attention because of its taboo nature, it actually intended to dispel myths about BDSM. "Some alternative sexualities and lifestyles have a more prominent public sphere that require more attention or openness," said a freshman attendee, who requested anonymity. "In addition to simply acknowledging that these acts happen and are not inherently wrong, having something like a workshop where people can understand how to engage in such acts without being detrimental to oneself or others is really all the involvement that seems necessary." Experienced attendees agreed that at the root of BDSM practices is a profound consideration of one’s partner. "Things are also not at all how they seem," the freshman said. "Any subordination is illusory and part of an elaborate dance designed to allow people to explore various aspects of human experience, emotionally and physically." While Pellegrino enjoys answering questions about her own experiences, she has had issues with the Wesleyan community’s acceptance of BDSM. On the first day of Gender, Science and Sexuality, a class Pellegrino is currently enrolled in, she told the class that she had worked as a secretary for dominatrices, and was interested in the cathartic properties of sex. Afterwards, the incorrect information that Pellegrino herself was a dominatrix circulated campus. "It came back to me five different ways," Pellegrino said. "My friends [would tell me] ‘Some kid told me there’s a dominatrix in [Gender, Science and Sexuality]’ and I’d be like, ‘Yeah, that’s me.’" Despite unfounded rumors, Pellegrino continues to promote openness regarding BDSM. Students at the discussion group appreciated Pellegrino’s level of sincerity with the subject. "She’s definitely very comfortable with herself just [in] the way she answered questions and her tone," said Valerie Walunis ’09. "It wasn’t oppressive at all to be there." Pellegrino attributes this quality with her lack of embarrassment. "I just have no shame," she said. Even being labeled as a BDSM poster girl doesn’t faze Pellegrino. "I think who I am could get drawn into some sort of bizarre whip and leather stereotype that has nothing to do with me," she said. "If I do have [the label], I don’t mind it in primacy, with people coming up and talking to me and us sharing ideas or giving each other advice." The workshop was divided into two groups of "people from different backgrounds of kink," those who incorporate BDSM into their sex lives and those who have never tried it. The variety of experience allowed for a group discussion of inquiries and ideas among all who attended. "It turned out completely different [from expected] but the completely different was better," Pellegrino said. "Luckily, everyone talked because I was afraid I was going to talk for an hour."

Most of Pellegrino’s material is pretty much no-brainer stuff to those who are familiar with the real subculture . . . safe, sane, and consensual . . . readers of this blog are familiar with that mantra when I describe a whole plethora of activities . . . but to the general public the concepts and safewords are not generally known about or understood. Also, as more young people experiment with alternative sexualities, it is important for folks who have been there and done that give some pointers to keep things safe and sane as well as consensual.

Good stuff.