Words of wisdom? THE VICE GUIDE TO GETTING BEATEN UP:

Don’t be a victim. If some huge fucking Coke machine of a guy tries to attack you, grab his right arm with the forefinger of your left hand, then twist it behind his back and kick in the back of his knees from behind. If he has a knife, use your elbows as side fists and smash his temples at 45 degrees until his pupils dilate. If he gets you into some kind of a headlock, then sit down on one knee so that he’s forced to sit on your lap and then implode his kidneys using the heel of your left palm against your right forearm… blah blah “nose bone into his brain” yadda yadda yadda.

Yeah, right.

If a huge fucking Coke machine of a guy tries to attack you, that’s it. You’re dead. He is going to break your nose and you’ll be lucky to escape without head trauma. Any attempt to use some bullshit fighting tips you read in FHM or Maxim is only going to add to the humiliation. Professional street-fighting tips are for professional street fighters.

If some big ass coke machine of a guy tries to attack you . . . RUN THE FUCK AWAY . . . screw any sense of honor, of pride, of thinking you might just get lucky and get a shot in that stops him . . . run the fuck away. Why do you think highly skilled martial artists spend most of their time in real world confrontation defusing the tension and avoiding actual combat? Because they’re cowards? Bullshit. Because they know that fights never end well for anyone.

Oh, sure, you have to be a man and stand up when standing up is required but that doesn’t mean being a dumbass who gets the kick assed out of him. Avoid physical confrontation. Period.

Even if you think you can indeed be the coke machine buy and kick some little guy’s ass, he’ll turn out to be Bruce Lee’s second cousin twice removed . . . just don’t do it.

Remember, Darwin’s idea of survival of the fittest? Well, the fittest is not always the guy who can get into shit and kick ass . . . those guys usually get pretty busted up too . . . the fittest is the guy who can be endearing and charming and talk his way out of confrontation or run the fuck away.

Sheesh.

Tongue in cheek.