Somethings can be very powefully wonderful and very positive and very beneficial for a relationship . . . but, within the wrong context they can be very powerfully destructive to a relationship. The application of focused trance, guided imagery, hyperempiria, and experiential hypnosis to erotic play for consenting adults is one context where one must follow certain very particular safeguards to ensure the integrity and value of the relationship. If your goal for using this sort of thing is to spice up one’s love life and to reaffirm the strength of a relationship, then you’re probably going to be fine and you may well consider giving it a go . . . but if you have self-serving or selfish outcomes in mind, then give it a miss. Always . . . keep everything safe, sane, and consensual and very much above board.
For those of you who may be unfamiliar with the technique, hypnosleep is a process whereby one takes advantage of hypersuggestibility during the hypnoidal state and converts regular sleep into hypnosis to deliver suggestions. It has the advantage that – when done properly – the critical factor of the conscious mind is much more supressed than with other forms of hypnosis so that suggestions can be delivered much more powerfully with little to no resistance. The so-called hidden-obeserver effect is still in effect but it too is less powerful. When used appropriately, it can be very powerful and beneficial but when abused, it can destroy rapport and relationships. Some folks make the erroneous conclusion that because the critical factor of the conscious mind is surpessed during hypnosleep they then have carte blanche to give any suggestions they wish, even those against the values or wishes of their partners. They are very much in the wrong on this and in most cases pay very real and very serious consequences for their mistakes.
A posting to the Hypnosis Technique Exchange illustrates the need to keep recreational hypnosis at the level of safe, sane, and consensual and to understand that hypnosis is not a magickal mind control method to be used to manipulate others. It should be used with care and love with one’s partner’s best interests, needs, and desires in mind. Never violate another’s trust. Yes, there are certain techniques which are indeed powerful . . . such as the hypnosleep method . . . but these should not be abused as it always come back to haunt you. Never overestimate the power of the trance in manipulating and never underestimate the need to be forthright and honest with your partner and to server that person’s needs rather than merely your own. This is a song I seem to sing a lot, but it is important . . . as the poster of the following plea for help found out for himself:
I have been intrigued by hypnosis as long as I can remember, discovered erotic hypnosis a few years ago while doing online research to try and find ways to rekindle my wife’s libido. We have 3 kids, one (at the time) was a baby. I know it’s natural for a woman’s hormones to change, sexual desires to flag, and I …tried…. to be understanding and patient, but… damn! you know what I mean guys. Read some interesting stuff on EMCA and Wendi’s site re: hypno-sleep, thought, well the direct approach doesn’t seem to be working, let’s see what happens. I didn’t really know what I was doing, just read to her in her sleep, scripts I could find online, Ross Jefferies patterns, anything, and changed them to suit. Tried guided imagery and NLP stuff and didn’t seem to have much effect… i was able to hold her arm up and tell her it was stiff, it stayed. one night I described in detail how my cock was inside her and how good it felt, walked her through an orgasm, the next day she said she had dreamt about having an orgasm…. this gave me hope. the following night I tried something new, when she was in what seemed to be a very deep sleep, I gave her commands, slowly, one word with every one of her breaths for 15 – 20 minutes about how she would be overcome wit h passion, roll over, grab my cock and put it inside her pussy, she would not be able to control herself, when I pulled her hair and said a trigger word. That worked. She let out a deep moan, rolled over and started jacking me off, then slid me inside her!!! after I asked if she got what she wanted (thinking I should get her to affirm) and she said "I think so…" I should have persued that more. A few nights later I repeated the instructions, and added that she would talk nasty to me like a slut. She carried out everything, talked very explicity, then a few minutes later she went back to sleep. Then she shuddered, woke up and said "I had a dream I was raped." That was the last time she responded to suggestions in her sleep. I think I should not have used the word "slut," it must have worse connotations to her than I thought. I think I went about the whole thing wrong, I tried to be sneaky about it, she now has very negative feelings about hypnosis, even though I finally have found the resources that could make it very enjoyable for her. In a long-winded way I have come to my question, how do I turn her around on this? She has told me point blank "I will NEVER let you hypnotize me" so is there some way to change her view on this, or do I just keep th inking about what could have been and offer a warning to those of you thinking about trying this to consider the possibilities if you are proceeding without permission.
Pretty serious stuff . . . the following is my response.
Sleep Hypnosis can be done effectively and safely and in a way that is pleasant, positive, and safe for hypnotist and hypnotizee. You need to be aware of a few things though and not just jump in and start pounding on every little thing you want . . . the best suggestions . . . in any trance context . . . are those that have the best interests and needs of the person in trance in mind . . . hypnosis is not about control, it’s about partnership within the trance context.
Sleep Hypnosis is quite powerful in that the critical factor of the conscious mind is very much out of the picture (the "hidden observer" function is still there but sedated to a large extent). While I do teach it (with caveats and advice on safeguarding to avoid what has happened to you), I know of a number of folks who don’t or who only teach it to very advanced students.
However, as you have found, one does NOT have carte blanche to give any suggestion.
Basically, by pushing her level of comfort, you have violated you wife’s mental and emotional space. When doing any sort of hypnosis, it is important to respect a person’s boundaries and if we don’t know those boundaries then ask . . . consent is very important . . . even when building upon a "yes set" induction which can be quite powerful.
If you don’t know if a word like "slut" would cause emotional baggage then ask and even then when using color or emotionally-charged material, give "rider suggestions" the remove or lower the possibility of negative associations . . . rider suggestion words are those like "positive experience" "good feelings" "happy and productive" and the like. In this instance, you could have gotten the desired consensual effect by not using a colorful word at all.
Since she is your wife, it is natural for us to assume you do indeed have her best interests at heart.
She’s not comfortable with hypnosis . . . at least not from you . . . and she has good reason not to be comfortable with it as you have indeed attempted to "control" her responses for your pleasure rather than looking to her needs.
Step back for a while and re-engage her in non-hypnotic play. Cuddling, whatever. As someone else has mentioned, take her needs into consideration and build from there. Of course, as your wife, she should also be taking your needs into consideration . . . but being hypnotized is not the root to your happiness. Communication, caressing, and imaginative involvement with one another’s lives is.
Later . . . when you have rebuilt trust, rapport, and intimacy . . . but only later . . . perhaps she might be up for consensual trance play in the form of guided imagery . . . or recorded material from sources she feels comfortable with in contexts she is ready for . . . she may not want to listen to stuff from Warp My Mind or Submissive Slut Trances or some creepy fellow lurking in a corner online with no identity beyond a handle like HypnoMasterControlsSlutSlavesForever but she may be okay with a couples intimacy piece from a reputable and reliable source that uses "clean language" and avoids all issues of "control" or "manipulation" . . . I’ve a When Two Become One couples intimacy piece and Wendi Friesen’s "Hypnotize Your Lover" set with the CD seems a natural go . . . but not right away . . . you need to rebuild trust and rapport . . . big time . . . as is often the case when someone uses inappropriate language and suggestion with another, in sleep hypnosis or otherwise, they’ve violated the "hypnotic contract" and have pushed too far making it highly unlikely the person will ever trust them again for this sort of thing . . .
Don’t give up hope, she is your wife and wives are often very forgiving once one has made an honest and sincere effort to do the right thing and stop messing with their heads.
There are plenty of folks at the hypnosis technique exchange where you’ve already broached this subject who can indeed help you . . . but give ’em specifics to go on and take their advice and mull it over.
Your cause is not lost . . . but you really might think of other more positive ways to frame the experience and to also think of any non-trance ways you can build rapport, intimacy, trust, and mutual pleasure again. She’s obviously got something going on . . . what with the issues that led to you taking this tact in the first place . . . issues that exist out of trance . . . so, perhaps approaching those head one and communicating might be helpful.
A few folks have emailed me privately about my responses to this query with positive support. To them I would also say thank you . . . and speaking of erotic hypnosis . . . . . . I had seen these video clips before but five people sent me the links in the last week so they seem to be in vogue again.
Of course, in addition to the resources already listed, folks can find a treasure trove of information in the group archives here at Hypnosis Technique Exchange – either just start at the beginning of the archives and work forward or do a keyword search for whatever topic tickles your fancy from the subject at hand to anything else. If it’s not covered in the archives, folks can just post a query, with twenty-eight-hundred folks on the list, there’s bound to be someone with similar interests, questions, or information to share.
By the way, those in Taipei who wish to learn how to do this sort of stuff safely, sanely, and consensually, are free to contact me about setting up a seminar (either take the SET training or I’m happy to setup more specific workshops on particular topics . . . albeit the consenting adult material requires bona fide couples who are indeed informed consenting adults).
All the best,
Brian
Brian David Phillips, PhD, CH
http://www.briandavidphillips.com
SIGN UP for the COMPREHENSIVE SET EXPERIENTIAL HYPNOSIS COURSE in Taipei . . . Aug. 29 to Sept. 9, 2005 . . . limited seating.
